I love to swim, but life has been a little crazy lately, and it’s been a couple weeks since I’ve made it to the lake. I always blog because it helps me process, but I’ve had to spend some days on my private blog to sort out a lot of things with Yahweh. So, when I saw yesterday’s word prompt was swim, I wanted to revisit it here.
It’s a season of swimming upstream for sure. I’m thankful that I have the best lifeguard, especially on nights like tonight.
My system doesn’t adjust easily to change, and my littles make it clear when they don’t like something or some strong emotions are trying to surface. It tends to manifest in somatic flashbacks followed by cravings for sweet milk. I try to only have milk and not add the sugar but tonight they were especially demanding. That let’s me know that they do not feel safe.
It’s hard to read the Word and process it enough to find application for my life when they get like this. I was asking myself, what do I do when my coping skills aren’t helping me cope? When DBT falls flat, and I can’t keep my awareness enough in the moment to not go back to freeze or fawn, then what? I know I am safe and the reality is that these changes are going to be good, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel the parts of me that have not yet learned that change can be safe bleeding through. I felt Holy Spirit come so close and say, it’s okay to just have milk. It’s not a place I want to stay. I need the substance from the meat of the Word, but I was reminded tonight that when things feel too heavy, it’s okay to just have milk. The meat doesn’t discount the milk. He just wants us to be with Him, to rest and know that He is still here in the middle of the chaos handling the things that concern us.
It’s been the kind of day where I’d like nothing more than a night swim under the stars where I could relax every muscle and just exist for a little while. There’s something about being under the magnitude of the night sky that puts things in perspective.
So, I sit with my dog in my backyard and take a break from all the swimming upstream I’ve done this weekend to take thoughts captive as they come my way.
I’m very excited about what Yahweh is doing. I see so many things coming together and I think it’s going to be something that will help so many people. But great change does not come without a cost, and my system is definitely having to pay an expensive price.
I counsel you to buy from Me gold that has been heated red hot and refined by fire so that you may become truly rich; and white clothes [representing righteousness] to clothe yourself so that the shame of your nakedness will not be seen; and healing salve to put on your eyes so that you may see. Revelation 3:18
I’m always drawn back to this verse when things are painful. It’s a good reminder that He is worth it all.
Healing gets really messy and a little confusing when emotions don’t match current situations. Sometimes, the somatic flashbacks are so strong or the grief so deep that it takes my breath and I can’t speak for fear of losing control completely and sobbing in front of everyone. It’s those times that I have to go ask Yah what is happening to me. I have to count the cost and remember that it’s always worth it to buy the gold.
I’m still not at a place where I can stay present to remember all the memories in detail. I’m too far away from them to feel connected to them fully. But the amnesiac walls are coming down. The barriers are thinner. There is often bleed through of emotions…ok, there is daily bleed through. There is a lot more co-consciousness than I even thought possible. That makes life harder for this season, but it’s what I’ve worked so hard to obtain.
It is a step closer to experiencing life as Yahweh intended for me to live it, fully and wholly engaged in everything He has for me.
I am learning to let the tears flow, to not immediately shut down my emotions before there is any chance of them leaving my body. It’s a whole different level of trust. An entirely different belief system than what I’ve held for so many years. But my safe people say it is safe and we are trusting that it is.
This week I’m working on more radical acceptance. I’ve been doing it for a few months now, but I finally have DBT context and language to what I’ve been trying to do. It was helpful to learn to expect that with radical acceptance, there is a period of deep sadness that comes with it.
Today was a whole other level of difficulty. There was nothing done wrong, nothing bad happened, nobody said anything to upset me, no major memories surfaced, nothing. So, I had to just feel the pain and know that this is going to hurt and there is no way to escape it.
My parts are learning that to experience a learned secure attachment, there must also be separation. How will they ever know that they can always return to their secure base when needed if they don’t go experience and explore the world on their own? But geez, do some of the littlest ones go kicking and screaming. Their attachment cry is fierce and I have to work extra hard to keep my boundaries.
I’m trying to embrace the new rules put in place for everyone’s protection. I’m trying to not make it more difficult for the people helping me than it has to be. Healing trauma is hard enough without murmuring and complaining about necessary changes, so I’m trying really hard to be positive and embrace them knowing that it’s only a season I have to walk through.
But my emotions were ginormous compared to the small things I was trying to walk out today. Yah doesn’t waste anything. He showed me the reason behind the emotions and that it was a less painful way to process them. That even though it hurt and I felt deep grief, it wasn’t as bad as it was the first time I experienced it and walled it off with amnesiac barriers. To allow the new changes to bring some of the old sadness up to the surface was a more controlled way to get some of it out without the damn busting.
I’m thankful for that. I do not want to go back to being numb. Bite size morsels is what I can handle and He knows that. So, He continues to move me through the process at the right speed for me. Showers, not thunderstorms most days, and there are rainbows when it gets too heavy. He is faithful to give us what we need.
Such an easy word prompt for someone with DID. However, I don’t find myself drawn to write about the typical flashbacks caused by childhood trauma. I find myself flashing back to a more recent time.
I felt the shift in the atmosphere today. I could sense the internal battle for control raging in the spirit realm and the urgent need for intercession this evening. I sense what is coming and have the wisdom to reinforce my armor.
A flashback to the last time I came up against this spirit lets me see the growth in myself. I am not afraid of it. I’m not of the opinion that anyone else needs to know what I am being shown. I shared that the atmosphere shifted and to armor up. Beyond that people will need to pray for discernment and feel it out for themselves until He releases me to say more, but I am fully prepared to stand my ground. I will speak life, I will worship and praise, I will not come into agreement with it. And if others do, I will command my atmosphere to be preserved within the safety of Yahweh’s bubble.
I cannot fight someone else’s battle for them. I cannot surrender on their behalf. But I can walk in alignment with who Yah says I am. I don’t have to give in to the lies of the enemy. Just because it’s being allowed, and it found a legal right to operate does not mean its foul power doesn’t have to bow to my Yeshua.
Consider yourself served with an eviction notice if you think you are coming inside my sphere of influence that easily again.
I may be quiet in my observations, but I am very discerning.
Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Ephesians 6:11-13
Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8
For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:3-5
Sometimes I go to the lake alone and ponder the magnitude of Yahweh’s creation. It was so quiet and peaceful there today.
I know it will cycle back around but I’m thankful for the break in the waves of grief the last couple of months has brought. My flesh battles but my heart is at rest. I’m in a season of deep healing and restoration and for the first time in my life I’m soaking up every opportunity of rest and relaxation possible.
Becoming more aware of being in my body and realizing that every choice I make is either going to help heal it or do more damage stirs up a lot of strange emotions. Or maybe it’s sensations or thoughts, I don’t even know but it’s a weird place to be.
I’m thankful to be here in this moment, in the awareness of fresh air and clearer vision. I saw a Facebook post that said, “may the flowers remind us of why the rain was so necessary.” That kinda sums up how I’m feeling right now. I’m reminded that the pain is worth it. The joy is worth the sorrow. The happiness is worth the tears. The breakthroughs are worth the work done all week and the freedom is worth the hard sessions.
I was reading in Romans this morning about being dead to sin and living in the righteousness of Yeshua. I was in middle school when I memorized Romans 6 and I can still remember the awe I felt when I grasp what it meant for me in that season. I can’t explain how it works, but Yah doesn’t waste anything. I learned those scriptures from being in a school where my mother’s friend was both the principal and the only teacher. “Agape Outreach Christian School”, when they stretched the truth they did it 110% but there is a real agape love and I’m walking in it today. But back then, it was just a name, a part of their cover story. It wasn’t even a registered school. I wasn’t there to learn about Yahweh, but in His faithfulness I did. In the middle of their keeping me out of public school so that they didn’t have to explain the bruises and multiple absences, Yeshua was there giving me glimpses of hope.
I was pretty young when I was able to twist their words in my mind and make it into something meaningful to help me survive when I had nothing else to grasp. I can remember being praised for being a good slave, and it was not because it was the biblical meaning. And I fully realize that my interpretation was not biblical either at the time, but it took root in my heart none the less. I didn’t know how to be free from sin when I was bound with torture and torment, but I knew that secretly telling myself that I was not their slave, I was dead to them and a slave to Christ brought some relief.
Today, I can expand on what it meant to me back then and grasp it for what Yahweh meant for it to mean. To be spiritually minded and focused on walking in Spirit and truth is so much better than I ever imagined as a kid in middle school. It brings strength I know that I will need to overcome the challenges ahead of me on this healing journey.
I’ve always heard the cliché of “don’t quit before the miracle happens”. I don’t like it because it was used to keep me in places that I wasn’t safe. But I don’t think we should throw the baby out with the bath water either. Sometimes, good things do come to those who wait.
It’s up to me if I want to quit, and I get to make that choice every day. As an adult, I am no longer required to stay where I don’t want to be. I pray that I will never stay in an unsafe environment for all the wrong reasons again. Not only do I get to choose if I want to quit, but I also get to live with the consequences of my choices, so there’s that…
I have learned that defining what safe does not mean is super important for my system when making hard choices.
Being safe doesn’t mean being comfortable. It doesn’t mean I will have everything I want or that things will happen on my timeline. It doesn’t mean that I won’t feel sad and confused sometimes. It doesn’t mean that I will never have to sit alone with my thoughts and feelings or that things won’t be really hard.
It does mean that I won’t be abused. I won’t be exploited. I won’t be belittled or bullied. I won’t be used or taken advantage of, and I won’t be silenced.
So, when things feel unbearably difficult, how do I know when it is time to quit? When is moving on the answer?
For me, I think there is a time to quit just like there is a season to everything. So, it’s not so much about if but when? Is it now? Do I give it one more day? One more week? Month? Year? The rest of my life? I don’t have the ability to settle this debate with myself on my own.
I’ve wanted to quit more times than I can count. But today, I have enough healing to make the harder choices and to get quitting (or not) right more often. I have the wisdom to know that the grass is not always greener on the other side.
I prayed the hard prayers. I told Yahweh everything that I was thinking and feeling. I asked Him to help me. I asked Him to fix what was wrong and advance what was right. I asked Him for eyes to see, ears to hear, and a heart that was tender and responsive to Him. I asked Him to help me stand firm in His protection and to show me when it was time to quit. I asked Him for courage and for wisdom. And most of the time I tried to hide under His wing and silence the noise around and in me because I didn’t know if I could take it for one more day!
And guess what happened….
He never told me to quit, nor did He fix it like I thought it should be fixed. He didn’t fix it as quickly as I needed Him to fix it either. He even had the nerve to tell me there was things I needed to learn and that all these emotions I was drowning in couldn’t actually hurt me. While I was begging Him to fix it, He was trying to fix things in me. Sometimes, I forget that He is the Potter, and I am the clay. A clump of clay can be really ugly when it is being molded into something new. It hurts to be on the potter’s wheel, but my old vessel wasn’t serving me in this new season.
Then there was the question of regret. As bad as I was hurting and wanted to give up, I was always aware of the possibility of regret. If He sent me here and this is where I am supposed to be for this season, how could I quit and still be in His will? I don’t just want a good life; I want to experience my best life. And I know that my best life is found in living the life He has called me to live. I didn’t want to quit and face having Him ask me to go back.
At the end of the day, I based all my decisions on Him. It was too big of a risk to make that decision on my own. I refused to quit because He had not released me yet. More than I want to be comfortable, I want to be obedient. I kept reminding myself to set my face like flint and stand firm until He said otherwise because obedience is better than sacrifice.
I’m walking in a completely new level of freedom today because I didn’t quit. I didn’t go on emotions or what I saw in the natural. I didn’t give in to my flesh or my programming that was always telling me to run…escape…NOW. I didn’t let the lies that tell me I will never heal or that I will never be enough make me give up. I took everything I was hearing from others back to Him and let Him show me the truth. I’m so thankful that I held on to what I knew I had prayed and all the confirmations He gave me before things got hard.
This time I got not quitting right, but that hasn’t always been the case.
Is there ever a time to shift through the regret of quitting and discover that we should try again?
Yes! I often hear people say to leave and never look back. But if you look up and Yahweh asks you to go back then you have to decide if you are willing to sacrifice whatever is required of you to go back. Is He worth eating the humble pie? Do what He instructs you to do. He loves us too much to miss out on our best life with Him.
We all make mistakes and sometimes regret quitting. I think this is why the story of the prodigal son is so valuable. We can easily see all the hard things in going back. But what if we return to the place where we walked out of His will to find out the biggest thing waiting for us there is our best life?
We have to quit when He says quit. Nothing more and nothing less. That’s where we find freedom.
I startle easily. I hate loud noises. But softer noises can bother me too. My ears have been ringing for the last two days and it’s very loud tonight. So annoyingly loud! But not all noises are bad. There are lots of things that I love to hear.
Having dissociative identity disorder makes this word prompt interesting. My therapist always told me that play is a natural part of brain development and healthy adults play. The activities look a different but it activates the same chemicals in the brain. I’ve always struggled with it. I never saw adults play when I was growing up. They were no board games, movie nights, dinners out, theater, sports, or music. Their entertainment was much too sadistic to be considered healthy play.
But I’m fighting for my healing and that includes play. On our recent beach trip I let C out to play in the ocean, have a movie night, and play at an arcade. All normal things but new to our system. The endorphins and feelings that it released was in my body were well worth it. It was like someone had drawn fresh water from a dry well and quenched a thirst I didn’t know that I had. It changed something in me down to my core. It was by far the most healing trip I’ve ever taken.
Play has awaken a new wonder for experiencing life. There is something to be said about having activities to look forward to that aren’t work. There is a lightheartedness now that wasn’t there before. I’m learning to participate in things I’ve never tried before. It’s reduced my desire to isolate. It’s caused me to feel like it’s okay to have dreams and goals.
It no longer feels irresponsible or wrong to want to go to the lake for a day.
It’s messing with my perfectionism. Letting that feeling rise up in me and validating it is healing deep wounds of unworthiness.
I never understood the hype of play until now.
It’s deepening relationships and increasing my ability to trust and bond. It’s causing me to reorganize my life to include more play.
It’s also caused me to want to add some self-care activities that I used to think were pointless. Facials, relaxation, sitting in the fresh air under a shade tree with my bare feet in the grass, going to movies, musicals, parks, lakes, coffee shops, waterfalls, old bookstores…
Nobody had ever told me that I was allowed to do these things. But my trauma was always there telling me I wasn’t.
There are so many things in life that people take for granted that I’m learning are safe and good for me for the first time ever.
I’ve never felt as alive as I do in this season and play is a contributing factor of that.
Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. Isaiah 43:19
I admit I had to look this word up. I didn’t know if I would be able to make it applicable then I saw the meaning and it pretty much describes my entire day.
I started my day having coffee and talking with Yahweh on the back patio. Then I followed that with a session. My heart was prepared and I was armored up when I arrived. But as soon as I sat down I started to dissociate. I couldn’t get all my thoughts straight to share them, but Yahweh knew what I needed. I feel so much joy. My heart is healing and my system gained a huge amount of freedom today. Sometimes you don’t realize how much a strongman can weigh you down until he has to leave and you feel better. Praise Yah! He is faithful ❤️
I met a new part today who is a teen. She carried a lot of trauma and even though she is a little older, I think she was still stuck in trauma time. She was scared and confused when she first came out. But she wanted to meet Yeshua and when she did He gave her a little trinket box. When she opens it hearts and butterflies come out and kiss her on the cheek to remind her that real love doesn’t hurt.
I came home and I couldn’t even settle down. I felt so much joy, so I went in my back yard to worship. I’m glad I have a privacy fence cause C was trying to flag. Only she wasn’t flagging because she doesn’t have any flags. Maybe she was shadow flagging? Whatever she was doing, I had to let her. I’m learning to get out of my own way more of the time.
Today was a major breakthrough for my system. I’m really excited about what this new season is bringing.
Then as if all that wasn’t enough, I got an unexpected call from my little brother today. That totally made my already great day even better!!
I’ve been breaking new ground and watering seeds for a while now, I felt like the planting season was never going to end, but today we harvested. It really was a prolific day! 🦋
Increasing my window of tolerance makes room for the sun to shine a little brighter in my corner of this complicated world.
It seems like I am always finding myself navigating uncharted waters. There are days that I am grateful for the progress I see and then there are days that my boat is filling up with water so quickly that I fear I might drown. The last week has been more choppy water and stormy weather, but Yahweh has been faithful.
A lot of new memories have surfaced. Programming has been activated and it’s been quite the battle to fight it. Figuring out where the new puzzle pieces fit has been challenging and at times completely unmanageable, but some of the time I managed it well without losing any time. I’ll take the growth in any way it comes no matter how small or what moments of failure come with it.
I don’t doubt that what my ministry team tells me about the importance of not doing certain things or being in contact with certain people while I’m trying to heal because the spiritual realm is vicious and the enemy is always looking for a way in. But after this last week, it is no longer something I am doing only because someone else asked me to do it. It has moved from my head to my heart and created a deeper level of determination to do it because it matters to me. Now, I can choose to do it because I am worth it and deserving of being protected. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt that way before.
I try very hard to be aware and make good choices because I know my choices will spill over and touch the lives of the people I care about. I guess I knew on a surface level that I am still being tracked down and that efforts had been increased in the last few weeks. Players on the other team really do infiltrate everywhere and they play their role well. I will never be able to fully relax into this new life. I will always have to be diligent to keep myself safe in ways others don’t. My circle will always need to be very small.
The last 3 months have been very lonely. I’ve been putting one foot in front of the other and trying not to quit no matter how much it hurt. But being alone for my birthday, Father’s Day, a major trauma anniversary and the summer solstice all in a week’s time really took it’s toll on me. I got some reprieve for 4 days, but then I was facing two more weeks alone including July 4th and my mom’s birthday. The guilt was overwhelming and it took everything in me to not call my mom.
Not having anyone else to talk to eventually resulted in me reaching out to a friend from my past. I tried to be very selective and honestly thought it was safe. They had participated in a meeting with my ministry team and was going to come to a conference with me to learn more about DID and SRA. They have always been supportive and accepted whoever fronted when I would switch. But a few minutes into the conversation she mentioned that another woman who I had to cut out all contact with because she has occult ties had asked about me “the other day” which turned out to be on my mom’s birthday. I find it very hard to believe that was a coincidence. My friend doesn’t understand how dangerous that is for me, so I feel like I can no longer reach out to her either and that really sucks.
I gave up hope at that point of adding friends back into my daily life and reached out in a private group instead. I never imagined that being in a private Christian group for SRA survivors would cause me to be so triggered. I thought my programming could only be activated by a past handler.
I am obviously still very naïve.
I got activated by reading a post that used key words and quickly spiraled downward. At that point, one of my parts started to feel robotic and reverted back to her training. So, I’m trying to stay present and fight the programming until I can finally have a session on Monday to deal with it.
I have never had awareness of a program running before. Never recognized it enough to make a decision to not follow it. Now I’m keenly aware of it when in the front and have been able to resist it about 75% of the time. I’m really happy about that even if that feeling is mixed with disgust and shame. It’s proof that my window of tolerance is increasing and I am able to handle more on my own than I was before.
Baby steps forward, I continue to walk out of this wilderness.
Pulling the towel over her body, she slid under the bed and silently sobbed. It was happening and she knew it. She wasn’t sure of what exactly, but they were there and she needed to hide. The only noise she could hear was laughing. The mocking voices had been lost somewhere in the space between her locked bedroom door and the hall leading to the living room. She pressed her hands tightly over her ears and thought about Tigger bouncing around, springing up and down cause that’s what tiggers do best. Across the room she glanced at the red and white plastic record player sitting on the small bookshelf. Cheer bear was there too, laying against strawberry shortcake who smelled like strawberries when she squeezed her. Looking at the pile of dirty clothes beside her bed, she inched her way backwards to the far right corner, then played with the springs that sometimes tangled her hair.
Sometimes random memories work great as a buffer to the harshest ones that surface when trying to process trauma. The ones that are safe to remember, the ones that don’t send me spiraling downward, can provide some context and remind me that I was indeed a little girl who was not capable of stopping the abuse.
I had a few plastic records with nursery rhymes, songs, and I think the story of Brer Rabbit that I would play for the dolls that I had hidden in my dresser. Only it wasn’t a dresser, it was a magical place, inside the drawers was a passage to a beautiful castle where all the orphans could safely play and be one big happy family. Most kids wanted to be a superhero or a firefighter, but I was already planning out how I was going to rescue kids when I grew up. I wanted to own an orphanage and adopt every kid that needed a new family.
It’s strange how the cards of life are dealt and the tables turn. If only I could connect to that passion now and rescue the kids living in my head. All the isolated fragmented parts that are still waiting for someone to tell them they are safe. Waiting for someone to invite them to take a seat at the table because they are worthy of human connection.
It’s easy to tell someone else how much Yeshua loves them and offers an open invitation to be adopted into His family. But to rescue your own is a whole different level of courageous and brave that I can’t seem to dig deep enough to find…yet.
I’m so thankful for the ones that walk in that courageous bravery. Those who give up so much to journey along side the broken and offer them the hope of Yeshua. The ones that know that there is indeed a Family for all of those kids, someone just has to show them the way and tell them Yeshua has the key.