Always seek the truth in whatever form it comes
~ Boaz

I’m learning to allow myself to take the time to go back and process texts I get that say the things that make me or someone in my system feel anger or even rage. Some of the texts that make me want to throw my phone are the ones that hold the most truth. I just have to get over myself, make room for my emotions, and then make room for my emotions to sit in the same space as the truth until I can radically accept them both. It sucks. I hate it. But it’s one of the many ways I continue to fight for my healing.

This weekend is probably the hardest of the year for me. I get hit with a major trauma anniversary, my birthday, Father’s Day, and the summer solstice all at once. So, to sort through emotions while fighting all the shifting turmoil happening in my system is close to impossible. To do it alone is not what I wanted.

Knowledge really is power.

Knowing what to expect and understanding the need to be guarded helps. We came across this article for survivors with DID that put words to all the chaos happening inside due to the changing of seasons. It provides a framework for staying safe, dealing with the body memories, the need to connect with people who would continue to hurt us, and the guilt and shame. It also reassures us that we are not crazy. We are not imagining anything and we are not failing.

I have seriously struggled with what I think is anti-Christian programming for the last few months. It goes between being sold out which is where I think I really stand to not even knowing if there is a God. It’s super frustrating to feel like there is a light switch inside and I’m not the one turning it off and on. Thankfully, for this moment it’s flipped in my favor and I feel like I’m doing what I’ve been called to do.

So, C got a bear, Boaz, for her birthday. She lugs it around everywhere as if she’s had it her whole life. She’s been talking to him about all the things she’s hearing from some of the parts that are farther back. She’s somehow gained insight to parts that I didn’t know existed. Parts that say they are controllers. Not that this surprises me, I’m very aware that I have control issues. I want to control how I interact with the world. I want to control who is out and when. I want to control what they are allowed to say and how they act. I want to control my emotions and when/how much I cry. I want complete control over my system. But I’m realizing more and more that I don’t have control…I have walls. And that’s not who I really want to be.

These new parts are making C want to learn to do things she shouldn’t be doing. She wants to know why she can’t be like other systems. She wants to do the things they do so that she can have what they have. Ultimately, she wants to somehow create a system that will be important to someone and having powers seem pretty important in her mind. But that is not her story and not a good path for her to take. As she’s talking to her bear she’s coming up with plans that remind me of why she is not in charge of our system. She seems to be embracing a little of what lurks in the deeper shadows, the hidden parts that still have strong amnesia cocooning them. She’s also sorting out truth from lies, recalling the things her safe people have told her, and remembering why the bad people are bad. However, she’s definitely flirting with how it feels to not always be the good little girl that she was trained to be. She’s had to accept some pretty big disappointments this weekend and she is having a hard time fighting some of the stronger pulls to do things that aren’t safe.

There are times that my weirdness is on display and maybe this is one of those times. After she gave in and messaged our twin to tell him happy birthday, I knew it was not good and was going to be even harder to not call my birth mother. Knowing that she feels her bear is an extension of her safe person, I told her that he has the same opinions and rules as her safe person. That seems to be helping keep her grounded. I know she is sad, but we have to get through this weekend somehow and if talking to Boaz is what works then give this bear a microphone.

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